Mahoganie Jade Browne 2014
Here I am. Fresh off my 34th birthday. I have to say the weekend was filled with sleep (Dear God I needed that sleep) and good times! As usual I fretted over plans. There isn’t anything I want more for my birthday than to skate….no JET out of town, especially in the dead of the winter. I love my birthday. I love being an Aquarius as it is part of my charm. However, I have a low tolerance for winter. Non-blizzard snow gets in my way and a blizzard just annoys me. Can you tell I’m still “bitter” about what the Snowpocalypse did to my 30th birthday plans? Ok I kid.. I kid…just a little. But seriously, if I find myself in town around the 8th of February, I at least try to do a staycation; which I did again.
This year, I was getting bummed out the closer it got to my birthday. The one thing I wanted to do – remember my La Boum Experience? – was filled and I moved on to plans B through Z. I was coming across a few stumbling blocks as nothing else seemed as entertaining as La Boum or things were way over priced to even try to have a small gathering at a great place just to toast to a few birthday cheers, be entertained, and if possible, attack a dancefloor. As friends and the honey bun were awaiting to see what I wanted to do and the threat of snow showers loomed, I continued to struggle and almost resigned to staying home. Then at the last minute, I figured it out. I ended up celebrating my birthday in both D.C. and Baltimore. In between the good sleep, I ate good Turkish food while being entertained by a belly dancer at Cazbar in Baltimore. Back in D.C., I made my way to H Street NE; for birthday shots and food at Hikari Sushi and Sake Bar and strutted (further down H) to Red Rocks for a slamming (yes I said SLAMMING) time at Axel F. Umm if you don’t know about Axel F, you better ask somebody! *Pausing to do a body roll* Theeeen it was back to Baltimore for brunch at Miss Shirley’s Cafe. I kicked all of this off by running a few errands that included a trip to a local Ashley Stewart; where as I was buying a pair of tights I treated a random stranger to a pair as well. Don’t ask. It was just one of those things.
The dusting of snow held off until Sunday evening as I made my way home. During the ride home I dozed in and out of an after brunch comatose haze. I mustered up enough alert brain cells to do a little internal reflection. I thought about some things I’m learning about myself and in life in general. For the longest time I didn’t have a clue. Meaning I had an idea about who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be in life (esp. by this age), but I was so confused and clueless. I was angry, bitter, depressed and unhappy. I was a hot mess. I may not have looked it, but I felt it and hit rock bottom right after my daughter was born.
Then something happened. God, I’m sure. A spark was lit and once I was able to return to school to finish my degree. Major changes occurred and this is what I’ve learned in the past six or seven years…or even as recent as this past weekend:
1. One can not drop it like it’s hot at an 80’s party like they are 21 and think they can skate away without a sore aftermath the next morning. My thighs are hating me right now.
2. It’s still a process I’m wading through, but forgiveness is an act of love…a deeper almost incomprehensible love. Even when you have emotional scars that run deep to the core of your soul, forgiving yourself and any other party is the strength of love. 1 Corinthians 13 says it all.
3. Understanding the process of timing and when it’s time to move… I’m still “perfecting” this and wrote about my experience with this for the blog The Greater Fools; Frustrating Rest: Learning How to Savor & Survive Rest Breaks.
4. Becoming my own PR – even as a nobody – and speak my truth. It’s my story and I’m telling it. Though it has only been forever in a million years that I’ve been working on my manuscript, I’ve somewhat shared what MY story is. One of the biggest fears I’ve always had is protecting the ones I love in the middle of it. Sometimes what I experienced with my loved ones isn’t all that pretty. But it doesn’t make neither them nor I bad people. I’m very fearful that what I CHOOSE to share about myself or any of my loved ones as it relates to my experience with them, only a negative light will be shown. However, my goal in anything I share about us is to show an ultimate silver lining and redeeming qualities while speaking a truth.
5. Ultimately my truth…my testimony helps and inspires others who find themselves in similar situations.
6. Owning up to and not hiding from me; the total me especially the the sexual being in me. Not that I was ever a shrinking violet, but I never fully comprehended the beauty that is me – my total package – and the power I have behind it. While I did have esteem and confidence about myself, I always found a way to zero in on flaws that made me feel “less than.” This is so easy to do especially when you are with someone and while they may have the capacity to love, they don’t spend that love on you and their actions towards and against you are anything but love. Aside from my wit, charm, intelligence and dry humor I don’t think I ever grasped both my inner and outer beauty together and recognize how they intertwined. It’s a magical mystique that I’m noticing and love. Even on my dress down hot mess days, I feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt.
7. Just because I’m a mother I don’t have to lose myself or lose sight of what I desire for myself while working for the needs and wants of both me and my daughter. As a single mom I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations of what a mom is or does and how she governs herself via THEIR interpretation. I refused to be judged on sacrifices I may or may not take. I will continue to do all that I can to make sure that I’m of complete sound mind and body (even if that means I break here and there) in order to make the lives of myself and my daughter mentally and emotionally healthy as possible. Like any other parent (especially a first timer) I’m winging it and learning what works best for me and mine as I go along in this journey.
8. It’s ok to like the occasional ratchet song. Just know there is a time and a place for it because the last thing you want to hear out of your kid’s mouth is a chorus from Juicy J.
9. Some things are worth protecting and keeping close to your heart, including certain experiences; good or bad.
10. The importance of developing a love language and expressing love and appreciation as often as you can.
11. When you’re born in the year(s) between Generation X and Y (the Millennials) there are certain things your Baby Boomer parents will have a hard time understanding about you in regards to your work ethic and your drive for having a non-traditional outlook on a career and diving deep into something you love. You have to exercise A LOT of patience and pray they will come around.
12. Even more patience is needed for said Baby Boomers for parents when you have to explain technology to them.
13. Being 30-something isn’t the new… anything. It’s your thirties. Embrace it. Live It!
14. I’m officially grown — so proclaims my daughter.
15. I finally learned how to properly pop popcorn over the stove. Victory is Mine!!!!
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Mahoganie: Musings East of the Anacostia River 
Johanna's Mama
February 12, 2014
“I’m a grown ass woman!” That’s what I said in my head while reading this, bwahahahha.
Mahogany Princess
March 2, 2014
No wonder I am able to identify with you so much! We only a few months apart in age chile! lol I am learning/embracing some of those same lessons. Here’s to 34!! Cheers!