It’s National Poetry Month. A couple of days ago via my Facebook page and Twitter I (re)posted a couple of my own poems and a couple from my favorite Langston Hughes. Today I’m thinking of one I wrote when my daughter was a few months old. I eventually included in the (non-published) chapbook I have. It came to mind as in the past couple of days I’ve been listening to online chatter about regretting motherhood. It’s a conversation that sparked in part from an article from Isabella Dutton, a mother in the UK who claims she regrets having her children but loves them. A friend of mine posed the question to me yesterday; is it possible to regret your children but still love them?” I told her yes, but for me it was more about regretting the situation in which she was conceived. Her father and I weren’t on the best of terms and the whole time together was toxic. I wanted better for my child, but ultimately I realized her existence is bigger than me or her father. The hard part has been forgiving myself in the situation and moving on from that.
My friend and I also talked about bonding. I bonded with my child a mere 24 hours after she was born. For her it took a little bit longer. For Dutton, it seemed that it may have never happened. She even recalled that when her son was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around him, she didn’t feel the same worry or panic that most would feel. She was apprehensive about it all. Obviously the “bonding” moment comes at different times or different stages for mothers.
I finally read the UK article in question when someone in my writing group posted it today. It’s a shocker, as some may call the woman selfish in her feelings, but I totally get it. What some of the women in my writing group (that responded) appreciate is her honesty and the fact that she didn’t take her regrets out on her kids. She still did what she had to do for them, even to this day as she is caring for her 33 year old daughter with MS. My friend best put it into context in her recent blog, even though her point of view is from a married woman with a kid. I’m a single mom and my support system comes from my immediate family, which at times I feel guilty when I need that moment to run out for a few hours and I ask them to watch my child. Even though I know I need that precious me time to keep my sanity, in the back of my mind I feel guilty about it all, that I even wanna put myself over my kid.
The hardest part for me is finding and maintaining a balance of the person I was before my daughter and post-daughter. It’s a fight as I recognize that while I’m still single I can’t spontaneously take a trip to Miami or Las Vegas or have a night of total release and abandon with my girls or my boyfriend. Everything I plan is around my kid. When I was pregnant Kimora Lee Simmons’ reality show was pretty popular. She made motherhood and managing her own business look somewhat easy though she had a few chaotic moments on the job. I adored how her and Russell Simmons co-parented with ease, even though they were divorced. Her life was an inspiration, but I swear the day I had my panic attack I cursed Kimora and exclaimed “THE BITCH LIED!”
Yeah.. I had a panic attack. See… told you this motherhood stuff isn’t easy.
I briefly mentioned to my friend a scene from the movie Riding in Cars with Boys. Based on a true story, Drew Barrymore plays Beverly who became a teen mother. There is a moment when Beverly has a chat with her best friend Faye, played by Brittany Murphy, who also became a teen mother. Bev is having her doubts and regrets about motherhood. She always thought she would go to NYU and become a famous writer. She asked Faye if she really loved her daughter, because for her she didn’t know if she really loved her son or if she has to love him. Faye assured her that she loved her son, mentions that if we honestly and truly felt how much we really love a person it would kill us, so we have to become numb to it. I relate to the mom in the UK and to any other mother who secretly may have regrets about having children but still love them.
Sure some people will look at the word “regret” and think horribly of the mother saying this. But motherhood is something that can fuck you up! The prayer is, that it doesn’t fuck up your child in the process.
“…everyone who has parents know that they do fuck you up, and no, they don’t mean to do it, but yup, that’s what happens…” – Author Jennifer Weiner
Southeast Blues
By Mahoganie Jade Browne
2007/2008
She wakes up by the kick to her back
Baby’s got to eat
No longer just a bottle
It’s lumpy oatmeal and fruit
Baby makes a fuss
She continues to spoon feed
It’s natural
It’s routine
Maybe they’ll go out to play
Maybe it’s inside they’ll stay
Before long it’s baby’s naptime
Her alone time
Place a few phone calls
Send a few emails and text messages
She’ll flirt with a gentleman friend somewhere in between
A symbolic reminder that she is still sensually supreme
She’ll lather herself in soapy bubbles
She’ll let the warm water rain on her
She’ll save the Jamaica Rum scent for special occasions
No longer able to afford its luxury daily
Instead it’s the pharmaceutical aloe vera
Thick, rich and nasty like kindergarten paste
Only 99 cents
Maybe she’ll scribble some thoughts
Maybe she’ll answer to an ad or two
Only to be told later, too little or too much experience won’t due
Baby whimpers
Baby wails
Baby has awaken
Snack time
Baby prefers pears and applesauce over bananas
Diaper change and if it hadn’t taken place earlier…baby bath
Time to braid baby’s hair
Baby is slightly tender headed
Baby scream
But she must get through it.
Nearing 4’ o clock and dinner still hasn’t been started
Thumbing through her mental cookbook she figures something simple
Bake chicken, rice and steamed broccoli
DAMN!
Out of rice, broccoli went molded, chicken got too many feathers to pluck
Spaghetti?
Freezer burned meat, little to none spaghetti pasta
A run to the store is needed
But that red mark on the account says otherwise
Primetime….right on time
Phone starts ringing off the hook
“Hello, this is the US Dept of Education. We would like to speak to you about your delinquent payment on your student loan.
“Hi, we would like to speak with you in regards to your overdue payment of your credit card bill.”
“Hello… Miss. Did you know that your electric is subject to being cut off.”
“This is a courtesy call to let you know that your phone, internet, fax, cell phone, hidden line in the stratosphere are all subject for suspended service.”
Heart gets heavy, tears start to form
Worry settles
Doubts move in
Dark clouds hover
For a split second she thinks about quitting
For that split second she looks at baby
Baby smiles
Baby laughs
Baby babbles as if to say “Mommy it will be okay.”
She can’t hold the tears any more
But she don’t cry for being sad
She cries because baby made everything alright
She tries daily
Baby sees but doesn’t see
All baby knows is the safety of being with her
Baby is safe
Because
She is safe
Mahoganie: Musings East of the Anacostia River 
Curvacious Gem
April 12, 2013
*Tears*. i absolutely loved that poem. OMG. Love love love. So on point for some of us mama’s!